Most men shouldn’t be allowed to dress themselves let alone suggest what a woman should wear. But every once in a while I’ll stumble across an item of women’s clothing that makes me think, “I’d marry a girl on the spot if I saw her wearing that.” I call it #WifeMaterial.
#WIFEMATERIAL: MARQUES’ALMEIDA DENIM OVERSIZED SHIRT
In The Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson and #SQUAD laid out a few truths that they said we must hold to be self-evident in order to prosper as a nation. I haven’t read it since middle school but it’s something like—”that all men not named Russell Westbrook are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator (read: Kanye) with certain unalienable rights like life, liberty, and the pursuit of a happy middle class life simultaneously glorified by modern day Republicans and undermined by their policies.” However, this was all written back in 1776, so I spent yesterday writing to my congresswoman Nydia M. Velazquez to suggest a few updates:
Dear Mrs. Velazquez,
It is now 2015, very nearly 2016, and there are a few more truths that I think our society must—by law—hold to be self-evident in addition to the ones that the Founding Fathers laid out like a million years ago. “All men are created equal, life, liberty, happiness” yada yada yada all that’s still great but we could use a few more. Here they are:
That hot dogs are not sandwiches.
You have to “sandwich” something between two other things for it to be a sandwich. Sandwich, in this sense, acts as a verb. You can’t “taco,” “burrito,” or “bun” other ingredients in one cohesive delivery device—tortilla, bread or otherwise—and call it a sandwich. That is bullshit.
That tights are pants.
Look, I didn’t decide this. Women everywhere decided that tights are pants by continuously wearing tights as pants, even when most of humanity (and most guys) were like, “tbh tights aren’t really pants but whatever.” Like, if I saw a group of HR professionals and Tory-ish high school administrators gathered together picketing somewhere with signs that said “TIGHTS ≠ PANTS,” I probably wouldn’t join them, but I wouldn’t disagree with them, either. Unfortunately, it’s already been decided—they’re pants.
That shirts can be dresses.
Paired with pants, big shirts are just big shirts. Sans pants, big shirts can still be big
shirts (if you’re watching Netflix in the comfort of your own home) or they can be dresses (if you’re out in public and the big shirt is an appropriate dress length). Big shirts not only *can* be worn as dresses, they *should* be worn as dresses whenever possible. I guess what I’m saying here is DOWN WITH PANTS. Feel free to use that in your re-election campaign.
If you know the best way I could get these updates on President Obama’s desk, or you have any minor revisions, let me know. I look forward to your reply.
Civic Duty Lu
Lower East Side
You see, hot dogs aren’t sandwiches, tights are pants, and shirts can and should be worn as dresses as much as possible. That’s why for this edition of #WifeMaterial I chose this Marcus’Almeida Oversized Denim Shirt that should’ve been categorized as a “dress” as well as a “shirt” on Opening Ceremony’s website. It’s got this aggressively frayed edges that look so comfortable you wouldn’t know where the denim stops and where your skin begins. Yet it’s got this industrious, utilitarian vibe that comes with the kind of denim that gets better the more you wear it and spill drinks on it.
Buy it at Opening Ceremony. I’ll make you wear it as a dress on our wedding day.
Lucas Shanks is a writer and creative in New York City. If you want to marry him, you have to follow him on Twitter first.
[Images via Opening Ceremony]